tkddiva

The sixties were known as a psychedelic period, and in the eighties we had big hair, and were all exercising our little leg warmers off.  I think as time goes on, this era will be come known as the antiseptic society.

 

Long gone are the days when kids could get away with eating a little dirt.  Now we see commercials where the kid is partially blind from ringworm contracted from playing in a public sand box.   Children are strongly encouraged to sanitize after touching any of the animals in the petting zoo.  We are nervous about letting the children go outside at all, there too many mosquitoes and ticks that carry West Nile and Lymes disease. We can’t let them play in the water or public pools either, it contains Giardia or Cryptosporidium.

 

We are taught to cough into our arm, and in big cities, people wear masks over their mouths when in public because we worry about SARS, the Avian Flu, and Tuberculosis. The University of Illinois sent out an e-mail last week asking that hand shaking be avoided at this time and schools in Texas have been closed for two weeks to deal with a Swine Flu outbreak.

 

Many people have tattoos and piercings, but all of the equipment is sterilized in an autoclave.  I.V. Drug users are also given sterile needles to shoot up with and medical waste boxes to dispose of them in. Every home used to have a broom or two, now we have special anti-dust coagulating Swiffers that deodorize and sterilize on contact. Antibacterial products available for the home number in the thousands. Public restrooms are sporting automatic flushing toilets, sinks that turn on themselves, and dispensers that give you paper towels when you waive your hand.

 

 We are afraid to date and casual sex is taboo again. There are too many S.T.D’s, Hepatitis, and H.I.V. to worry about. Of course, kissing as a general greeting is also being discouraged.  We can’t go out to dinner, we have to worry about peanut butter, mushroom, tomato, spinach, alfalfa sprouts, curry and pistachio recalls for Salmonella, E.Coli and Listeria.  Taking your date to the movie is not good either.  Movies like “The Happening”,  “Quarantine”, and “I am Legend” prey on our germicidal fears.

 

 Yesterday I had to take the day off as my daycare was closed to be cleaned and sanitized.  I went to the supermarket with the children to do the shopping and used the available wipes to clean the handle on the cart, and a special cleaner for the fruit. I was then visiting a friend in the courthouse when I actually saw a hand sanitizer installed on the wall in a courtroom.  Later, when I went to register my car, the D.M.V. was kind enough to supply me with a hand sanitizing station, mounted prominently on a stand at the beginning of the line.  From there I could see signs on three separate walls that described in detail how to wash my hands. 

 

I give up, I’m going to put on my plastic gloves and go sit at my computer.  Hopefully none of the computer viruses going around are catching…

 

Disclaimer:  Use of the blog is intended for humorous purposes only.  It is for light topical use, do not take internally.  If the contents of this blog causes discomfort, discontinue use immediately.

 

Every year my Lion's Club goes to the schools to promote their patriotism essay contest.  This year the theme is "My Reponsibilities As An American Citizen".  As a club we see lots of essays on picking up garbage and recycling  from children, (which is entirely appropriate) but I have given some thought about this from an adult point of view.  This is a difficult theme, and the answer does not easily come to mind.  I now invite you to share your thoughts with me about what our responibilities are.

Some months ago I took a hard look at what my family was throwing away and realized a great deal of  our garbage can be recycled.  I immediately signed up with the City of Pocatello Sanitation Department for their new recycling program. 

Today I  received a plea from the City of Pocatello asking me to let my neighbors, friends, family and co-workers know there is still time to register for the new recycling program due to start this spring.  You can get online and go to: http://pocatellorecycles.pocatello.us/ to register for commingled curbside recycling for only $5.00 per month. For questions call 208-234-6192.

"You realize that recycling saves natural resources and energy;it helps protect our water and air; saves precious landfill space; and that most importantly in troubling economic times recycling can save money and create jobs."

Pocatello is a great place to live, let's all do our part to make it even better!

Every year some distant relative says, “I love your Christmas family photo cards!  When will we get your new one?”  I sigh a heavy sigh and cry a little because I know what it entails to actually make those perfect family photo cards happen. 

 

A week in advance I have the “Picture Day Talk” with my family, which goes like this:  “Ok, guys, next week is picture day, (Audible groans all around.) so practice your smiles and don’t you dare do anything to get a black eye! Also, don’t eat any apples, we want that loose tooth to stay in your mouth another few days.”

 

I’ve tried to find the magic time for the appointment. Not too early, please, I need several hours to get everyone ready.  Before mealtimes when children are hungry, and right after lunch is not good either.  It is a proven fact, faced with the prospect of pictures, children cannot help but spill something on themselves.  Too close to naptime and they may be tired. Two years ago our youngest son slept through all his pictures, the next year he just cried the whole time from exhaustion.  I give up! Personally I think the best time is in January.  The pressure we feel at Christmas time to get everything done is off and you have a whole year to recover.  It will take that long to get your Christmas photo cards back, get them addressed, mailed and actually pay off the bill. (Have you priced portrait studios lately?)

 

Finally the dreaded picture day arrives.  I am up early (our appointment is at 1:30 p.m.) trying to get everyone ready. I have learned the hard way you must not make children try to wear clothing they do not like.  Hence those cute red matching sweaters with Santa on the front that I love so much are out.  Really, don’t do it, you will be sorry if you try to force a 5 year old in meltdown mode into one of those things.  Once I get the children fed, bathed, and dressed, I let them watch cartoons and hope they don’t move for an hour while I try to pull myself together.  True to form, I will find I have a huge pimple, and my hair decides to be completely unruly.  I try desperately to hide the dark circles under my eyes, and somehow look miraculously 10 years younger.

 

Once we finally arrive at the studio, there is the agonizing task of deciding what backgrounds, props, and settings we want.  At this time we realize the studio overbooks appointments and we must now wait for another hour.  By the time we get in, my nerves are frayed to the point I am seriously considering taking up smoking. I suspect the overworked photographer is also.  Upon seeing the photographer it is a given that one of my children will start screaming and writhing on the floor.  Either she cannot get any of them to smile or they develop strange pasted on goofy grins. None of them are capable of looking at the camera.  After many, many tries we are finally done and the photographer tells me we can go. 

 

What truly amazes me is that after all that trauma, our family Christmas photos turn out so well!  Are those freshly scrubbed, angelic faces, in their Sunday best really my family?  Gee, now I remember why we send those cards every year.

 

Disclaimer:  Use of this blog is intended for humorous purposes only.  It is for light topical use , do not take internally.  If the contents of this blog causes discomfort, discontinue use immediately.

I truly do love Christmas In The Night Skies and we go every year, but sometimes...

Let your oldest son participate in a bowling tournament. It starts at 4:30pm, so by the time it’s over you are already in a hurry.  You now have 1 hour to get your herd ready, up to the fairgrounds and fed before the fireworks start. 

 

Race through the house trying to remember where you last saw those hats, boots, gloves and winter coats when the kids took them off last February.   Hope they still fit at least one kid.

 

Buy a present ahead of time (admission: one new wrapped toy for Toys for Tots) but wait until the last 30 seconds before you leave to wrap it. What! No Christmas paper?  Resort to last Sunday’s comics or the pink birthday wrapping paper. 

 

Upon arrival, you will find the family ahead of you took the last hot dog and your children will absolutely refuse to try the chili.  Force your way through the crowds to find a clean table.  There will be plenty of seating for four, but not for five.  Waving flimsy paper bowls of steaming hot chili and your fork (they just ran out of spoons) is helpful when in combat with 400 people in a feeding frenzy.

 

Make sure you stand in line outside for hot chocolate, taking your middle child with you.  He will then complain he is cold.  Zip up his coat, inadvertently catching his neck in the zipper, causing him to scream. 

 

After you have again fought your way through the crowd to where you saw your spouse last, (with 5 cups of boiling hot chocolate), you will find he has moved.  Because of the huge crowd, you will spend several minutes looking for him.  By the time you fight your way there, it will be time to go back outside to bask in the glow of the bonfire. 

 

Once you finally secure a place near the bonfire (use your stroller as a battering ram), you will find your infant son is upset about wearing that darling snowsuit you went through 4 boxes of clothes to find.  Your middle son has quit crying about his neck and needs to go to the bathroom.  You will be happy to take him to avoid the deafening whine of the baby.  The bathrooms will be at least a fourth of a mile away and while you are there, you will notice the fireworks display has started. 

 

You can now attempt to find your family amidst the glow of bonfires and several hundred people.  Once you find them, the booming fireworks will immediately send your baby into hysterics, driving your husband inside.  As soon as your husband is out of sight, your middle child will stick his fingers in his ears and say he wants to leave too. 

 

You will force your way toward the building in the dark, with your children in tow.  The fingers in their ears does not allow them to hear you hollering at them to “STAY CLOSE AND KEEP GOING!”  Finally you deposit your children inside and turn your eyes to the sky to enjoy the fireworks.  Never mind.  The finale of Christmas music and fireworks is fading away. 

 

Make a mad dash for your car, trying to beat the crowd, but halfway there you discover your eldest son missing.  You will find him in a fairly long line ending in a frazzled looking Santa.  You will be required to wait 35 minutes so he can sit on Santa’s knee for 15 seconds and receive a candy cane.  He will only take one lick (he doesn’t like it) and it will stick to his mittens.  You will remove it later.  You will eventually reach the parking lot, and load everyone up, but now most of the population of Pocatello is racing you to the exit.  Don’t worry, you will have at least an hour to relax before you get home. 

 

Seriously, folks, this is a great fundraiser for Toys for Tots!  With the right medication it can be a lot of fun!  Please go and support this fun community event Saturday November 29, 2008 from 5:00 to 8:30 pm.  Yes, we are going, we'll see you there!

 

Disclaimer:  Use of this blog is intended for humorous purposes only.  It is for light topical use , do not take internally.  If the contents of this blog causes discomfort, discontinue use immediately.

 

I realize we live in a sheltered, mostly conservative community.  I must admit some of the things I find interesting freak others out.  Here are a couple of things from outside our little world to make us go "hhhmmmm!?!"   Please note:  The content of these articles do not in any way relate to me or my personal views.  It is just information.

“Transgender Elected Mayor”

By JACK PENNING, for kgw.com

This election marked the first African-American President. The first time in 40 years an Oregon Senate candidate beat an incumbent Senator. And in tiny Silverton, Oregon, residents have elected the man who's believed to be the first ever openly transgender mayor in the United States.

Stu Rasmussen served two terms as the Mayor of Silverton in the 1990s. But he hadn't admitted to being transgender. He's not the same man now that he was then. Today he wears a skirt and high heels. He has breast implants, and long red hair. He looks like a woman - but he's not."I identify mostly as a heterosexual male," Rasmussen said. "But I just like to look like a female." Rasmussen is a man. He even has a girlfriend. He says he's always been transgender, but he only "came out" a few years ago.

Rasmussen won by a hefty margin - 13 points. It really wasn't close.

Oddly enough, this piece also comes from our neighboring state, Oregon, which boasts some of the more interesting laws including the one stating a person can't pump their own gas...

"Pregnant man" pregnant again”

Thu Nov 13, 7:14 pm ET

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) – Thomas Beatie, who was born a woman but lives as a man in Oregon after surgery and hormone treatment, is expecting a second child, Beatie has told Barbara Walters in an interview set to air on television on Friday.

Beatie, 34, who is legally a man but kept female reproductive organs when he had a sex-change operation 10 years ago, is in his first trimester of pregnancy, he told celebrity interviewer Walters for the ABC news program "20/20" that will air on November 14. Walters highlighted the interview on her daytime chat show, "The View," on Thursday.

With his thin beard, Beatie made headlines around the world and was dubbed the "pregnant man" before giving birth to a baby girl on June 29. He told Walters that after giving birth he did not go back on the male hormone testosterone that he took after his sex change, because he wanted to have another baby.

"I feel good," Beatie told Walters. "I had my checkups with my hormone level, as far as the hCG. And everything is right on track.  "Beatie was referring to human chorionic gonadotropin, a hormone which is produced in women during pregnancy.  He said that the new baby is due on June 12.

Beatie's wife, Nancy, 46, whom he married five years ago, was unable to conceive because of a prior hysterectomy. He has said that is why he had a baby himself, through artificial insemination using donor sperm and Beatie's own egg.

The couple live in Bend, Oregon, and have lead a quiet life since the birth of their baby girl, Susan.

(Reporting by Alex Dobuzinskis: Editing by Bob Tourtellotte and Dan Whitcomb)

 For those of you who are expecting soon, (or anyone with who has ever lived with a newborn), here are a few things I learned while on maternity leave:

 

  Plan on replacing your entire wardrobe.  The infant willspit up on everything you own.  Babies are exceptionally adept at detecting leather, silks, angora wool, or any hand washable item.  They will be especially urpy anytime you attempt to wear any of these items, take a shower or bath, or are in a hurry to go somewhere and don’t have time to change.   I have found you can minimize the stains considerably by wearing your clothes inside out.  Children are capable of circumnavigating burp cloths, towels, or washcloths placed on the shoulder and will proceed to urp down your back, in your hair, and on your pants legs and/or shoes. 

 

A newborn will sleep peacefully for long periods of time during the day as long as you stay motionless.  Any attempt at doing housework, engaging in a hobby, checking your e-mail, reading a book, or talking on the phone, will cause the child to awake instantly and cry uncontrollably.

 

Parents of a newborn do not need birth control.  A sleeping infant can hear the parents kissing in virtually any room in the house and will respond immediately by awakening from a dead sleep and screaming.

 

Any attempt at an outing to a restaurant, or shopping will result in severe bouts of colic; characterized by one or both of the parents huddled in their closet sucking on the corner of a blankie.

 

Changing a baby’s diaper, bathing the child or dressing him/her in any “cute” outfit will cause an immediate and severe diaper blowout resulting in the parent having to start the entire process over again.  This phenomenon will also be induced by a shortage of diapers and/or wipes in the immediate vicinity of wherever you may be at the time.

 

The baby blues can be described as the following:  Anywhere a mother sits down to nurse a child, it is a given fact that the television remote will automatically be 6 feet away from said chair, causing the mother to have to watch infomercials on overpriced exercise equipment which will in turn remind her how much “baby” weight she has to lose, thus  causing her to be chronically depressed.

 

Take a clue from George Foreman and name all your children the same first name.  It saves you having to stumble through several names to finally get to the right kid to yell at about being quiet or he’ll wake up the baby.  Secondly, when you are in a stupor induced  from lack of sleep and someone asks you what you named the baby, it will be easier to remember. 

 

Forget about having any warm family meals while you are on maternity leave.   Your newborn will cry loudly and insistently upon hearing the words, “ Come to the dinner table.”  Save yourself the hassle and stick with cold finger foods that can be eaten with one hand while walking around the house with a fussy child. 

 

 

Disclaimer:  Use of this blog is intended for humorous purposes only.  It is for light topical use , do not take internally.  If the contents of this blog causes discomfort, discontinue use immediately.

I pride myself on being fairly organized, but for some reason my brain has deserted me and I’m not sure when it will return.   I suspect other parents of small children share in my dilemma from time to time.  It all started the first week of school. See Diary Excerpts below:

 

August 22^th :  Today was the first day of Kindergarten.  Too bad Mommy took a very excited child YESTERDAY!  Not a good day, Son is still mad at me! Where, oh where has Mommy’s brain gone, oh where, oh where could it be?

 

September 12^th:  Scholastic book order deadline today.  Mommy forgot to turn order in, had to make a second trip to school.

 

October 6^th:  Picture day for kindergarten kids. Son spent all morning crying hysterically. He wanted  the Superman shirt (with cape), I wanted the button down shirt. I finally won the shirt war, but didn't include the check in the envelope for the photographer.  I tried to pay him later, but he said Son would have to do re-takes.  NO WAY!  It cost me an additional ten dollars  (look up fee) just so we could get his photo package printed in THAT shirt.  Detectives here today looking for Mommy’s lost brain. 

 

October 8th   : Made myself lunch, and promptly left it on the counter.  Son took some walnuts to school from Grandpa’s farm, but I forgot to tell the teacher they have to dry a week before the kids can eat them or they will be absolutely bitter.  Again, Mommy makes another trip to school.  Son’s teacher is starting to suspect I’ve lost it- she reminded me there was no school the next two days.  Good thing…

 

October 14^th :  Had to make a last minute trip into house, to look for a belt I misplaced.   I also cleaned out son’s backpack and overlooked putting his reading book back in.  Son goes to school with no book and can’t take his test. He is mad at me again.  The National Inquirer has my picture in it today under the headline, “Mommy found in Idaho with no brain.”

 

October 15^th:  Another last minute dash into house to get a new package of checks. ( Need check for another book order.) Went to change sign-up time for parent/teacher conference and spilled White Out on my shirt . (Note on bottle reads: Do not let White Out come in contact with clothing.)   Spaced putting  name back on list.  Mommy makes yet another run to school.  Put ad in local paper today, “Lost: One Mommy brain.  If found please return, I desperately need it!”

 

October20th: Doing  pretty well today, I only forgot my coffee this morning…

 

Disclaimer:  Use of this blog is intended for humorous purposes only.  It is for light topical use , do not take internally.  If the contents of this blog causes discomfort, discontinue use immediately.

"San Francisco would become the first major U.S. city to decriminalize prostitution if voters next month approve Proposition K — a measure that forbids local authorities from investigating, arresting or prosecuting anyone for selling sex."

Well, this is a novel way of getting around this...the vote in November will be interesting.

Recently I was standing in the office listening to the gals talk about Twilight. “What book is this?  By whom?” I asked.  They all looked at me like I had just turned orange with green polka dots.  “What other book is there - Twilight, by Stephanie Meyers, of course.  You haven’t read the BOOK?!?” “No,” I said lamely.  There was an audible gasp in the room.  “OMG!  It’s about a love affair between a teenaged girl and a handsome vampire. You’ve GOT to read it!” Then someone handed me the BOOK and everything started to go black…   

 

Fast forward two weeks and the fog had started to lift.  I realized my children hadn’t had a bath in a while, and they were tired of peanut butter sandwiches for dinner.  My husband was out of clean clothes and starting to grumble.  But what a BOOK!  I had read the whole Twilight series and was looking for more, craving more.  I was going through withdrawals.  I’d read the whole series compulsively, one of the few times in my life I couldn’t stop reading.    Every one else in the office was reading the series as well, so it had been necessary to beg, borrow and practically steal all the books, as it simply would not do to finish one and not have the next.  At one point I had three copies of the same book squirreled away just in case. 

 

Yesterday, I was walking down the hallway when I saw a co-worker stumble towards me.  Her hair was rumpled, and her eyes were glazed over.  As she passed me I saw her clutching a tattered copyand heard her mumble something about needing the next book.   I smiled knowingly and patted her gently on the back. “Don’t worry, the movie comes out November 21st .”