For those of you who are expecting soon, (or anyone with who has ever lived with a newborn), here are a few things I learned while on maternity leave:
Plan on replacing your entire wardrobe. The infant willspit up on everything you own. Babies are exceptionally adept at detecting leather, silks, angora wool, or any hand washable item. They will be especially urpy anytime you attempt to wear any of these items, take a shower or bath, or are in a hurry to go somewhere and don’t have time to change. I have found you can minimize the stains considerably by wearing your clothes inside out. Children are capable of circumnavigating burp cloths, towels, or washcloths placed on the shoulder and will proceed to urp down your back, in your hair, and on your pants legs and/or shoes.
A newborn will sleep peacefully for long periods of time during the day as long as you stay motionless. Any attempt at doing housework, engaging in a hobby, checking your e-mail, reading a book, or talking on the phone, will cause the child to awake instantly and cry uncontrollably.
Parents of a newborn do not need birth control. A sleeping infant can hear the parents kissing in virtually any room in the house and will respond immediately by awakening from a dead sleep and screaming.
Any attempt at an outing to a restaurant, or shopping will result in severe bouts of colic; characterized by one or both of the parents huddled in their closet sucking on the corner of a blankie.
Changing a baby’s diaper, bathing the child or dressing him/her in any “cute” outfit will cause an immediate and severe diaper blowout resulting in the parent having to start the entire process over again. This phenomenon will also be induced by a shortage of diapers and/or wipes in the immediate vicinity of wherever you may be at the time.
The baby blues can be described as the following: Anywhere a mother sits down to nurse a child, it is a given fact that the television remote will automatically be 6 feet away from said chair, causing the mother to have to watch infomercials on overpriced exercise equipment which will in turn remind her how much “baby” weight she has to lose, thus causing her to be chronically depressed.
Take a clue from George Foreman and name all your children the same first name. It saves you having to stumble through several names to finally get to the right kid to yell at about being quiet or he’ll wake up the baby. Secondly, when you are in a stupor induced from lack of sleep and someone asks you what you named the baby, it will be easier to remember.
Forget about having any warm family meals while you are on maternity leave. Your newborn will cry loudly and insistently upon hearing the words, “ Come to the dinner table.” Save yourself the hassle and stick with cold finger foods that can be eaten with one hand while walking around the house with a fussy child.
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