Hey everybody I found this online tonight and I had to cut and paste it for everyone to read.  I think the first paragraph is really true.  How many times does someone say "I am sorry" and you really don't quite believe what they are saying to you?  Forgiveness is the answer not the apology in itself the writer states.  But, I feel like it is both as long as they are true and full of feeling.  Check out the website there are a lot of other really great things he has to say and quite a few of them hit home with me.  Maybe I need to soften more?  I don't know anymore, when I was soft I was walked on when I became the person I am today no one likes me.  I guess I can't find my happy medium.  The goal in my life at this point is to make myself happy and try not to offend everyone in my path.  Am I hitting my goal?  Probably not as I am not  sure on anything any longer. I tend to stay lost in my own little world to avoid hurt, but that has made me cold and unfeeling people say.  So any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.   But I tell you what as long as when I die I feel as though I did my best that is all that will matter in the long run.  We can't make everyone happy in life, but we can try to not affect others with our actions or our words.

I am in hopes that I will not do that in the future.  If I do I will apologize and I hope I will be forgiven.

_________________________________________________ _

Syd Allan: "Apology" and "Forgiveness"

www.jagular.com/apology.shtml

April, 2002

     I have had cause recently to consider the precise definitions of the words "apology" and "forgiveness." What do these words really mean? Or, at least, what do I want them to mean for me?

     The first thing that occurs to me is that the phrase "I apologize" (or its equivalent, "I'm sorry") has been greatly devalued through overuse. People say "I'm sorry" in trivial situations that don't require an apology. I suppose they do it to be polite, but I think that it does a disservice to the concept of apologizing. Imagine two people trying to go through a doorway from opposite sides. They almost collide because neither could have known that the other was on the other side of the door. One or both of them will almost certainly say that they are sorry. Sorry for what? The correct phrase is "Excuse me." Perhaps most people think that the two phrases mean the same thing, but I do not.

     Many people will disagree with me on this. I suppose each of us can hold whatever meaning we like for each word in the English language, but I think that we would all be better off if we reserved the use of the words "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" to the most sincere interactions with others, and stopped using them so casually.

     If there were better words which could be used in serious circumstances, then I might think differently, but it seems to me that the less serious words are "excuse me" and "no problem" (or something similar).

     People rarely apologize and forgive with sufficient sincerity. You will often hear an exchange such as:

     "Say you're sorry!"

     "Okay! I'm sorry!"

     The sarcasm in the response is understood by everyone, but the person who "apologized" will still usually claim that they have done their duty.

     It only takes a few seconds to do something that can hurt another person for a long, long time. People's lives can be changed by those hurtful things. In order to compensate for this we need to use the words "apology" and "forgiveness" in a more sincere way.

     So, of what does an apology consist? To offer a sincere apology requires four things:

1. Admitting what you did wrong

    

2. Explaining why you did it

    

3. Expressing regret that it happened

    

4. Promising not to do it again

     Some of these things can be implied. If I am wandering down the hall not watching where I am going, and I bump into you, then I should apologize to you. It is not the same as the earlier example of passing through the doorway, because I was obviously at fault. In this situation it is not necessary for me to admit explicitly that I bumped into you, or that I was not paying attention, because those things are obvious in the context of the situation. It is also not necessary for me to explicitly promise to watch where I am going in the future. If I offer a sincere "I'm sorry," then I have made a proper apology in that situation.

     An apology is an admission, an explanation, and a promise. It is not merely an expression of regret. When you apologize for almost bumping into someone as you both come around a blind corner, you are devaluing the meaning of apologizing by treating it merely as an expression of regret that something happened. When it comes time for you to really apologize for something, do you really want to use a technique which is mostly reserved for trivial circumstances?

     An apology is a serious thing, and the words "I'm sorry" should be used with sincerity.

     "Forgiveness&q uot; is more difficult to define. If someone has offered a real apology for something, then forgiving them will certainly include an acceptance of their apology. But "I accept your apology" really just begs the question of what "accept your apology" means: it means "I forgive you," and then we are back to the definition of "forgiveness."

     Forgiveness is also a promise: it is a promise to stop punishing someone for what they did.

     I cannot think of a better definition than that.

     If you forgive someone, and you subsequently punish them some more, then you owe them an apology for not abiding by your promise to forgive them.

     And I don't think it is sufficient to just not punish them. To really forgive someone you have to not want them to receive any more punishment from anyone, and you have to really want them to stop feeling guilty for what they did.

     So I suppose that forgiveness really consists of two things: not punishing someone any more, and changing your attitude about what they did, and not holding it against them any longer. Forgiveness is also a commitment to yourself that you will change your own thoughts about what happened.

     Is it necessary to receive an apology before you offer forgiveness? If a person refuses to apologize to you, or they offer an apology which is obviously insincere or incomplete, then is there any point in forgiving them?

     In a perfect world everyone would apologize for what they have done, and everyone else would forgive them after wards. Actually, in a perfect world I don't suppose anyone would ever do anything that required a subsequent apology, but in an almost-perfect world, every episode of forgiveness would be preceded by a sincere apology. I think that the main reason to forgive someone who has not apologized is that you yourself might need forgiveness from someone some day, and forgiving this person now will help you to deserve forgiveness later. What goes around, comes around.

     Does forgiving someone imply that you accept the person's explanation of why they did it, or you believe their promise that they will not do it again? If someone steals from you, and then offers a sincere apology, and you accept their apology, then do you have to trust that they will not steal from you again?

     I don't think that you do. A person who has stolen from you, or lied to you, has shown that they are capable of doing those things. Even after they apologize, and you forgive them, they still have to go on to earn your trust once again. Forgiving them means that you are promising not to punish them any more, but I think that you are still allowed to protect yourself in case they don't keep their promise not to do it again. If someone steals your jewelry, and you subsequently withhold from them the combination to your safe, then that it not punishment, it is just common sense -- at least until they have earned your trust once again.

     Is there ever any point in forgiving someone who refuses to admit what they did wrong, or they do not regret the results of their actions, or they do not promise to refrain from doing it in the future? Should you ever forgive people who are not sorry for what they did?

     This is not quite the same as the previous question. Not offering an apology is not the same as not being sorry. You can be sorry without offering an apology: you know what you did, you regret it, and you don't want to do it again -- you just don't say so to the other person. But not being sorry is more serious: it means that you do not think you did anything wrong. Should we forgive people who are not sorry? The difficulty in answering this question arises partly from our inability to know for certain whether another person is really sorry or not. Perhaps they say that they are not sorry, or that they did nothing wrong. A person like that might deserve to be punished in the future, so how can you forgive them, and thereby promise not to punish them? I think that if you cannot promise someone that you will not punish them in the future for what they have done, or you cannot erase from your mind your hard feelings over what they did, then you should not use the word "forgiveness." You should not tell them that you forgive them, and you should not decide in your own mind that you forgive them. Forgiveness is a commitment to them, and to yourself, and if you do not believe that you can keep those commitments then you should find some other word.

     If you truly forgive someone for something, then is it actually important that they know that you forgive them, or is the purpose of forgiveness mostly to create a particular attitude in your own mind?

     The more I think about it, the more I think that the most important aspect of forgiving someone is the change in your own attitude. They cannot really know what you mean by "forgiveness." You are promising to stop punishing them, and to change your attitude about them, but how can they know whether you will keep your promise? The most important part of forgiving someone is to change your own attitude about them.

     I have been thinking about all of this because I want to tell my friend that I forgive her, and that she doesn't need to offer any more apologies, or to feel guilty any longer. She has admitted what she did, and explained it, and expressed regret, and I accept her apology. I offered forgiveness, and then went on to punish her again, and for that I would like to offer her my own apology. One of the best reasons for offering forgiveness to others is that most of us will be asking for forgiveness from others at some point in our lives. I have asked for it many times before, and expect to ask for it again. Civilized people try to make the world a better place than it would have been if they had never been born. My friend and I are trying to make the world a bit better, and she has made an apology, and I am offering forgiveness, as our small contributions to that end.